The time has come to actually put my blogging mind and fingers to work once again. It has been much too long and the only excuse I have for that is a severe lack of inspirational brain activity. I can't say its back, but I had to get the wheels turning at some point.It's strange to come on again after so much time has passed--especially with my last post and the emotional weight of everything that was going on. It still hits me when I read it, I am taken back to that place. Back to that city, back to that town and back to my apartment where I would type basically on the floor, feet stretched out in front of me and a whole other world just down the hall and out the door. It seems like it was not a mere four months ago, not even like it was a year ago. It feels like a lifetime has passed since I sat in that apartment and typed that last entry. It was a whole other world, a whole other part of myself that if I am not careful could be hidden behind what I have always known to be me back on familiar territory. But then there is the part of me that has changed, the part that I don't see anymore, the part that has just become me.
I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that it hasn't even been a half of a year. I am bothered by it actually. I am bothered at how incredibly easy it was to come home and forget the frustrations, the mysteries, the beauty, the challenge and the passion I once felt for Japan. It will always be there, but it is not as prominent as I would have liked. There are times where I have to take a step back and remind myself that it was real and I was living it. It is all too easy to get wrapped up in the everyday life in your own comfort zone and I fell right back into it the moment I stepped on Colorado soil. Not that I meant to or even wanted to, but things were so busy right at first that reflecting on my own personal progress wasn't really in my daily activities. Now, as we are nearing the end of November and I have had time to eat the food I missed, catch up with the people I missed and do all of the things I've missed, I am finally able to take a step back and see where I am at in life. I have come to the conclusion for now that I am right where I am supposed to be. I have done something I am proud of and I have come back and done what I can to make a place for myself in society once again. Nothing is troublesome to me right now and because of that I am truly happy. I can finally live in the moment and not think about what is to come or what should come, I can just let the chips fall where they may.
It's funny how time always sneaks up on you. I have written about it time and time again, but I will never get used to it. The other day I spoke in a classroom about Japan and teaching abroad opportunities and just traveling in general and as I spoke I reminded myself of everything I had done, everything I had seen and all of the experiences I had. I talked for the whole 90 minute class period twice in a row without even missing a beat. Only something that you are truly passionate about is something you can go on about for days. I hadn't even realized how much I went through until I had that time to explain it all. I hadn't even realized how much I missed it until I had to explain it all.I have my days here just as I did in Japan where I will love it or hate it or just want to go back to a home I am not really sure exists anymore. But I know in my heart of hearts I made the right decision. Now the next best decision would be to go back and pay those good folks a visit! I am in the place I wanted to be, but I am not the same person I was when I envisioned myself in this place. Because of that, as I have said before, I will be forever grateful to Japan as well as the people I met there.
Thankfully there will never be a time in my life where I am not missing. My eyes have been opened to the world around me and I will not rest until I can no longer see because it is the experiences and the people we meet that will forever change our lives. And for me, this is just the beginning. In the meantime I will enjoy the here and now because when you blink, it's gone.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Colorado
I made it home. Somehow in one piece.
So far I have not really experienced anything reverse culture shock like...I am hoping I can just breeze over that part. Although it has only been about two weeks.
Home is everything I knew it would be and more; good friends, fam, food, dancing, relaxing and catching up. But of course I left a little piece of me in Japan, so I am missing the peeps out there. It comforts me to know that they are just a letter away.
And then I can do what I did all year in Japan is look up at the moon and know that we are all on the same planet.
From now on I will make this into a travel blog where I can post anything about any sort of travels I will be doing in the future. Who knows where life will lead me!
So far I have not really experienced anything reverse culture shock like...I am hoping I can just breeze over that part. Although it has only been about two weeks.
Home is everything I knew it would be and more; good friends, fam, food, dancing, relaxing and catching up. But of course I left a little piece of me in Japan, so I am missing the peeps out there. It comforts me to know that they are just a letter away.
And then I can do what I did all year in Japan is look up at the moon and know that we are all on the same planet.
From now on I will make this into a travel blog where I can post anything about any sort of travels I will be doing in the future. Who knows where life will lead me!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Five Days Time
Four
More
Sleeps.
It's a race with the clock and time has proved victorious before, I don't know why it would go any differently now. My apartment is littered with random things leftover from a mass deleting process that ended in a thirty foot trash drop. The blank walls stare back at me as if to help push me out of the way so time can get a head start. It's just not fair. I want to be able to control it but it is impossible. The noise becomes more audible. Maybe because there is less furniture. Maybe because I am hearing the silence for the first time in a while. Maybe because I am listening to the silence for the first time in a while. It has become more of a comfort to me than I ever thought and if there is nothing else I can take with me after this year, this new found relationship with myself will be plenty. I turned off the music so I can hear the sounds of me in this country that has been my home for the past year.
The frogs chatter noisily outside and a car drives by. My fan hums, my fingers click on the keyboard.In the morning I will be woken by one thousand buzzing cicadas and the stifling heat that has you breathing in water. I will roll off the futon onto the ground right next to it. It will be close to the last time I will wake up like that. In five days time I will be waking up to the sounds of footsteps, ringing phones, dogs barking, air so crisp it strings the lungs. I will be waking up on a bed instead of four inches off the ground. My head will be swirling with dreams of Japan. I will be confused, I will be elated, I will be deflated. I will go through the same process I did when I came here. Hurting is natural after a something good is over and although hurting is never looked forward to or enjoyed, it is the only way we can truly process and rid ourselves of unwanted feelings. In five days time I will be waking up to this person who I think I know, who I have seen in this bed before, in this house before, but it will not be the same person. It will be me one year older. One year away from everything I have ever known. One year come full circle back to the familiar and on to the new me.
It will probably feel like I have intense over acuteness of the senses. Well, I guess after jet lag kicks in. At least I hope for that. I want to see this place from a different perspective, I want to feel moved, I want to feel the passion that rolled around in me all year for this place and these people, I want to breathe and really and truly feel that crispness I have been longing for for so long. I want to be content with where I will be in life, I want to feel at peace with myself, even if it is just for a short time before time starts rearing it's ugly head once again. I want to know that I have done something grand and I can be proud of myself for it. I still don't know how I should feel because I am still here. It's always easier to get a better view if you take a few steps back. Which I will be doing. Right back over the ocean. Right back into the life that I have always lived.
In five days time I will not know the answer but I will feel closer to it. In five days time the blur of life will spin around and around me and if I sit still for too long it will pass me by. In five days time I will have to fall into the spinning blur for hopes that I can be a part of this chaos that went on without me while I was gone. In five days time I will not say good morning in Japanese, instead I will say it in English. In five days time I will not be engrossed with giant spiders or strange fashions. In five days time I will see the faces I have missed and then I will miss the faces I have seen. In five days time I will feel a champion at the language, I will conquer the roads not on my little red bike with the basket but in a big SUV with the air conditioner. In five days time I will look like everyone else and they will not pass me a second glance. In five days time I will hug the people who I have only seen through a web cam and then I will get online and not be able to hug the same person I was hugging yesterday. In five days time I will feel the thin air, feel the love around me, I will feel the heaviness of my heart, I will not no what to do. In five days time I will be in Colorado. In five days time Japan will be just a memory.
More
Sleeps.
It's a race with the clock and time has proved victorious before, I don't know why it would go any differently now. My apartment is littered with random things leftover from a mass deleting process that ended in a thirty foot trash drop. The blank walls stare back at me as if to help push me out of the way so time can get a head start. It's just not fair. I want to be able to control it but it is impossible. The noise becomes more audible. Maybe because there is less furniture. Maybe because I am hearing the silence for the first time in a while. Maybe because I am listening to the silence for the first time in a while. It has become more of a comfort to me than I ever thought and if there is nothing else I can take with me after this year, this new found relationship with myself will be plenty. I turned off the music so I can hear the sounds of me in this country that has been my home for the past year.
The frogs chatter noisily outside and a car drives by. My fan hums, my fingers click on the keyboard.In the morning I will be woken by one thousand buzzing cicadas and the stifling heat that has you breathing in water. I will roll off the futon onto the ground right next to it. It will be close to the last time I will wake up like that. In five days time I will be waking up to the sounds of footsteps, ringing phones, dogs barking, air so crisp it strings the lungs. I will be waking up on a bed instead of four inches off the ground. My head will be swirling with dreams of Japan. I will be confused, I will be elated, I will be deflated. I will go through the same process I did when I came here. Hurting is natural after a something good is over and although hurting is never looked forward to or enjoyed, it is the only way we can truly process and rid ourselves of unwanted feelings. In five days time I will be waking up to this person who I think I know, who I have seen in this bed before, in this house before, but it will not be the same person. It will be me one year older. One year away from everything I have ever known. One year come full circle back to the familiar and on to the new me.
It will probably feel like I have intense over acuteness of the senses. Well, I guess after jet lag kicks in. At least I hope for that. I want to see this place from a different perspective, I want to feel moved, I want to feel the passion that rolled around in me all year for this place and these people, I want to breathe and really and truly feel that crispness I have been longing for for so long. I want to be content with where I will be in life, I want to feel at peace with myself, even if it is just for a short time before time starts rearing it's ugly head once again. I want to know that I have done something grand and I can be proud of myself for it. I still don't know how I should feel because I am still here. It's always easier to get a better view if you take a few steps back. Which I will be doing. Right back over the ocean. Right back into the life that I have always lived.
In five days time I will not know the answer but I will feel closer to it. In five days time the blur of life will spin around and around me and if I sit still for too long it will pass me by. In five days time I will have to fall into the spinning blur for hopes that I can be a part of this chaos that went on without me while I was gone. In five days time I will not say good morning in Japanese, instead I will say it in English. In five days time I will not be engrossed with giant spiders or strange fashions. In five days time I will see the faces I have missed and then I will miss the faces I have seen. In five days time I will feel a champion at the language, I will conquer the roads not on my little red bike with the basket but in a big SUV with the air conditioner. In five days time I will look like everyone else and they will not pass me a second glance. In five days time I will hug the people who I have only seen through a web cam and then I will get online and not be able to hug the same person I was hugging yesterday. In five days time I will feel the thin air, feel the love around me, I will feel the heaviness of my heart, I will not no what to do. In five days time I will be in Colorado. In five days time Japan will be just a memory.
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